Now that i've had a little time to cool down and I was able to get a few miles under my feet let me explain about todays events. I have been training for my 2nd marathon for 16 weeks, that's 4 months people. Hundreds of miles, sweat, exhaustion, soreness, etc. Not to mention the number of Gu's, chomps, and sports drinks consumed. I've ran in snow, below zero temps, wind, rain, heat. On gravel, pavement, trails, hills and in a couple states. This means early mornings out of bed and away from my family. It means getting up at 4am to get my strength training in so I can get my running in right after work or once my kids have gone to sleep (during the week).
For me, it also means at least a full week of horrible anxiety and race nerves. We're talking not sleeping, barely being able to eat, serious stress type anxiety. I understand it is not a rational thing, but anxiety rarely is. Believe me, if I could "just get over it" or not have it, I would, in a heartbeat.
Today was supposed to be my 2nd marathon. Set for a 6:30 start time I left my good friends house at 4:45 and headed to the start line. Around 5:30 we were informed due to the weather the start would be delayed one hour to 7:30 and they would make any additional announcements at 7am. At this point i'm not to concerned, but my anxiety has hit defcon 5.... I'm figuring out in my head what time that might have me finishing and what time that would make it by the time I get home to my family. By 7:20 we still had not heard anything so I walked to the start line and took my place in my pace group. Then, at 7:45 I was informed by a mass of other runners who were further up that the race had been canceled. Enter my devastation. To the point of tears. Yes, really, tears from me.
Now, if you're not a runner, do not be offended about what I say next, but I know only runners will probably understand this feeling of severe let down. I understand that my value as a runner is not determined by the bib number or a race medal. However, when you make a commitment, like running a marathon, you are making a commitment to more than just earning that medal and wearing that race bib. Personally, i'm making a commitment to FINISH that distance, to cross that finish line, to FEEL the power of my accomplishment, to know I can and did push my mind and body to do something amazing, and to know that all of those hours of training were worth it and I did everything I could to get the result I was striving for.
Now I have a race medal I do not feel I earned and a jacket I can't stand the thought of wearing because i'm not a "finisher." Again, something most runners will understand but everyone else will probably think we're crazy. For those of you who know me, and my personality well, you know this isn't something my overachieving self can allow.
Enter my own personal challenge. As I sat in my car at the start line looking at that medal and crying my silent crocodile tears I was talking with a good friend and fellow runner. Joann truly understands the level of my disappointment. The conversation went something like this: Me- cancelled. crying in the car. Joann-I'm so sorry!! Me-I'm so mad, I feel like I failed and I didn't even start. Joann-You didn't fail, at all. I'll drive you out 26.2, support you along the way, bring water, make a medal, and cheer you on!! Fast forward about 5 minutes into this conversation and you now have Joann and I planning my 26.2 endeavor for next Sunday... Yes really. I'm stubborn and hell bent on finishing this distance and setting a PR for MYSELF.
Check my Strengthandbeautyinmotion facebook page throughout the week for updates on how and when this is all going to go down!
To all of my family and friends who are always supporting my crazy running endeavors, thank you! I love you and am so thankful for all of you and your support!!
